The pain in my heart pulls at me like an incessant child. As hard as I try, I cannot continue to ignore it. The pain stabs, and explodes with deadly accuracy. As hard as I try to drown the screams of agony from my head, it will never go away. Somewhere back down the road of my life is my soul, my spirit, my self. Not only have I driven off in haste of pursuing what I thought was my life, I didn’t seem too concerned to take note of where I was, or even who I was at the time. I thought I had everything. I had freedom, I had love, and I had the immutable determination that I would follow my dreams.

But I got lost, so quickly and so frighteningly. I was sure I was following the right path, but once you’ve lost your sense of self, how can you get it back?

There is no roadmap that can guide me back.

There are no clues that I can follow.

No one can tell me how to find it.

Once my self was lost, my passion, my fire, quickly went with it.

Spiritually I am lost. I have wandered too far. I have turned my back on the very gifts that god bequeathed me. Somewhere down that road, my former self stands in shame. My passion, has vanished.

This pain in my heart will never abate. My only hope is that I can somehow retrace my steps back, pick a path through the woods and find my way again. I have felt this emptiness for so long. Why have I waited so long to face this? Deep down, my fear is that if I do find that place in the road where it all went wrong, that all I will find is nothingness. Nothing would mean that it was all a lie; that I really didn’t have the passion, the energy, any of it.

So, if I don’t search, I will not know failure. But If I do not seek it, I will never know the truth.

I can lie to my family. I can lie to my friends. I can even lie to the world. But I cannot lie to myself.

I cannot let the fear of failure continue to drive and devastate me. The road is long, but the journey will only get longer if I stay. If I don’t take a step now, then tomorrow the same journey will take longer. If I wait a week, even longer still. The longer I wait, the more distant, the more futile it will all be.

I was not put on this earth to waste my talents, my time, and myself. Today, right now, I chose to start walking that journey, that journey to find that which has been lost. I don’t walk with confidence that I know the end result. I just know that I would rather live in failure than live in a lie.

A light rain falls over me as I walk. The fire inside me hungers. I think its about time it was fed.